So if a deaf child swear in sign language..do you wash his hands?

This and so many other questions I am wondering about..What am I gonna do when Nicholas gets to the stage where all the cute things he does are no longer cute? Like for example..he likes to squeeze boobies together..you know make some cleavage for the ladies..he also likes to pinch..butts. Cute when he's 5, maybe not so cute when hes 14? I don't want Nicholas to be one of those creepy guys that people avoid and stare at but I'm scared what the future holds for him. We all know he's adorable but when he's 6'2 and manly..will you all still think hes adorable? Oh..and big one here..how am I going to control him when he gets taller and stronger then me? Maybe I should start weightlifting and bulking up now!Seriously..this is causing me major worries becuase I'm already a little bit overwhelmed...Well off to the gym I go..:)

Smile..though your heart is breaking..

smile though your heart is breaking..smile though your soul is aching..smile though you miss your mommy but your 30 years old and she's gone and not coming back..who freaking wants to smile anymore? Laying in bed, thinking about nothing and everything like usual...you know doing everything but sleeping. Constantly trying to keep my mind busy so it can't sneak back into those last images..cold hands..machines beeping..rubbing her hands trying to memorize every detail of them..begging God to let her eyes focus on me once more..praying for her to stay..praying for her to stop suffering..kissing her forehead and telling her to go ahead and go because I would take care of Dad and Tom and the boys and it was okay to go and hearing her heart take its last beat..knowing she was gone..knowing she would never be back..seeing her still and swollen in her coffin..wishing I was blind at that moment..watching her coffin lower..wanting to jump in with her and going numb with agony..trying to remember her smell,voice, touch, anything and coming up empty and pain and yes even some hope. You see while I am not mad at God, while I know she is in heaven and He has prepared a place for her,while I know she's been talking to God about Nicholas, while I know she would never come back (yes folks thats how great heaven is)I am still sad. I am still broken and I still miss my mommy. I know I'm 30, but I still needed her, I wasn't done yet. I'm lost without her. Most of the time I'm okay, I fake it cuz' I'm really good at faking it, but I always miss her. I long for the time when the ache will fade enough so I can breathe again, pray deeply again, smile richly again and laugh abundantly again. When my mom died, part of me died and it dies whenever I see my father's broken heart. He is doing very good, as good as a God-loving man who has lost his soul mate can do. The world changed completely for us and everything we thought would be changed, everything he worked all his life for no longer matters and I kind of feel the same. All we have on this Earth is each other and I thank God that I have the family and especially the Dad I do. He stepped right in and while he fills them a little differently, he filled my moms shoes instantly. So even though my heart is breaking and even though my soul is aching..I just gotta smile..:)(andcry a little too)

Wordless Wednesday

Diets suck!

Okay I am in week 3 of my Medi-fast diet and although I have lost about 9 lbs..I'm frustrated. I think I need to work out but I know if I do I'll be starving..Just gotta keep going and keep that skinny body in my mind..Then, my husband decides to bring home some French Silk Pie which by the way..is my FAVORITE! I dream of that pie, I want to stick my face in that pie....mmmmmmmmmm.. Its the little bites here and there that are killing me on this diet. Well, guess what? those little bites add up and one big ole' fat booty...so guess I need to regain focus and focus on staying on track. This time has to be different, I have to get this last 30 lbs off for good, as my "baby" is going to be 6 so I can't really blame him anymore..or can I? No..darn well..off to go and drink a big ole glass of water and plan my workout for tonight. Oh why o why can't I just hook up my vaccuum cleaner and suck all the fat out?

I'm thinking he might be a savant?

Nicholas can totally copy a picture after only seeing it once..Seriously..does this look like the work of a "mentally handicapped child"?

The picture at the top is what happens when you leave 5 kids alone to use their imagination with a toybox lid and some karate belts...trouble but freakin' funny trouble

First Thanksgiving without mom..

Well I survived...I made it through the turkey, mashed potatoes, squash, buns, appetizers and even the creamed corn. The creamed corn that my mom made every year and that we all LOVE..My aunt made it and it was good but not the same. I bit my lip, sucked it up, missed her like crazy but made it through. I only had to go into the bathroom to compose myself once, because I knew if I lost it..we all would. We were all tip-toeing around the massive feeling of loss in the air..but we made it and we all came out okay. We even had a good time. Now Christmas is going to be what is really hard becuase Christmas was our thing..my mom and I..we were all over Christmas. She was my other half in the kitchen and we had a system so..I don't know what I'm going to do for that day..maybe medicate?? We'll see. We did manage to get a good family pic that I promptly made into Christmas cards and sent on out. Can't tell you how much fun that was..geez..Well so far today I have done as much as i do in 3 days so I'm beat and going to bed. here is some pics from the holiday...

Things that bring me Joy Tuesday

1. Clean laundry that is put away.
2. A clean house, especially when I am not the one that cleaned it.
3. Freshly painted toenails.
4. Clean. good smelling children..vs. dirty, stinky little boys.
5. A baby laughing
6. Nicholas signing mom!
7. christmas..and everything about it..
8. Me in my suit (with a better body) sitting in achair in the Lake with a margarita in one hand and a huge bowl of tortilla chips with lots of lemon and a big ole bowl of guacamole.
9. Reading
10. Writing in solitude when something inspires me...
What brings you Joy on this boring Tuesday?

Deep thoughts and silent prayers

Well it has been 2 months since my mom has died. Things have gotten a little easier but she still crosses my mind every day. My Dad and I are luckily VERY close so we talk everyday and have little counseling sessions with each other. Through these little sessions we have gone through every emotion..sad..sadder..heartbroken..angry..etc.Finally, I think we are starting to move to a little bit of a better place. We have both realized the following:
1. God is always good. God always "has your back". God always knows what he's doing, even if you don't understand.
2. So..if #1 is true..then God had a reason for taking my mother so young..there is a deeper meaning and she is with God. Safe in the arms of Jesus people..what a place to be!
3. Thus, heaven exsists, she was good with God and all of us, and we know without shadow of a doubt that she is there with HIM...so..life is but a short glimpse of time and soon we will all be together again for eternity. Her passing brought my Dad closer to GOD then he has ever been..he will go to heaven for sure now and maybe the loss of a mother in order to bring her husband and countless others closer to Christ is worth all this pain? Yes..for sure YES! We only had 50 short years with her but we will see her again and spend eternity together!
All of this has been swirling around in my head for so long and I feel a sense of peace in relaizing the fact that life is short. Life is but a moment..soo short so fragile and we take it to lightly. We should give life all we have and God all we have. He uses what we do here as a way of seperating out the good from the bad so that He can fill heaven with all those that truly seek him. Its amazing how the acceptance of this can change ones life. happiness, personal, individual happiness is overrated. People..it is NOT all about YOU! Your actions effect many and sometimes one has to sacrifice a tad to keep those you love on the right path. Live life as if God is watching you and as if it may all end tomarrow. Don't wait to do the things you know you should..I feel very strongly on this which is why I went off on this crazy tangent. it would literally kill me if my mothers death is in vain. She was worth so much more than that and i pray that losing her will continue to keep myself and others in a constant "life check'.

Not me Monday!

I need to learn how to link this to MCKmama..her's are soo funny!

So here goes....
1.I did not..no not me..drink way too much at my friend's birthday party and proceeed to puke on myself, the car and a friends driveway..nope not me..

2.I did not forget to read the part where it said.."While you are on this diet you should NOT DRINK ALCOHOL as you will metabolize it much quicker"..nope not me I always read the whole book and pay close attention..

3.I did not go and see NEW MOON twice already..nope not me..I am not overly addicted to some teeny bopper books..

4. I am not in love with a fictional character..see #3..nope not me..I just love the love story.

5. I do all my laundry ever week and never...ever let it pile up to an insane amount..nope not me I'm perfect..ha ha..sorry couldn't help myself.

6. I did not take a sip of wine tonight..see #2..and the proceed to spen the next hour in the bathroom..nope I learn from my mistakes!

Ahh that was so much fun! So glad to be back in the blog world. I'm challenging myself to update my blog everyday for a month!

I'm still here

I'm still here..promise..haven't jumped off a building or anything so don't worry. I have just been having a hard time getting back into the swing of anything that requires me to get out of zombie mood..you know like thinking of what to blog about..or having a conversation..or really thinking..I have been avoiding..living in the wonderful place I like to call DENIAL. It is a happy little place and when I am ready to come back to the living I will be changing this blog because to be honest..the address of this blog is too freakin' long and hard to remember so I'm going to change it all up..and I need a change and since I can't go drive across the country with some good music and a good pair of jeans..this will have to do. See you soon.
Jennifer

Heaven's new Angel

I know this picture may look weird and the coloring is off because of the dim light in the room, but it's my last picture of my mom. I wanted to have the memory of my brother and I holding her hand. We held her hand and spoke to her all along her journey to heaven. She was surrounded by people she loved and the room was overflowing with love. I know she felt us and I know she heard us. We decided to take her off the machines early this morning because we knew she was gone and non-responsive. She fought a short but extremely hard and painful journey with a rare form of ovarian cancer. Never once did I see her lose her faith or throw herself a pity party. She was scared of course but faithful and hopeful that she would beat it. Its hard to really put into words how I feel right now, I'm so lost and sad, and lost and lost..and sad. I have lost my best friend, my comfort, my leader, my shopping buddy, my scrapbook buddy, my cooking instructor, my confidant, but most of all I have lost my mom. It really doesn't matter how old you are when you lose your mother, yo still feel like a lost girl looking for her mommy. She was only 50 and very healthy, 3 months and she was gone. It still does not feel real. All can do is try to find some positive in this whole thing because that's how she raised me to be..freakin' positive..AHHH.. but I am thankful that I had her for a mother for the last 30 years, I am thankful that she ,married my Dad and together we had a happy, normal..well lets not push it..abnormal but hilarious little family. She was our leader, the one who sat in the corner ,while we cracked jokes, and rolled her eyes at us. She was the one that always told me to "hang in there Jen"..well Mom I'm trying really hard to "hang in there" but my heart is so broken because I miss you soooo much already.

Every picture tells a story

Married almost 31 years. Met at a park when h hit her in the eye with a baseball.Engaged 6 weeks later. 2 kids, 3 grandsons and a very happy normal marriage.

Battling Ovarian cancer..bravely..painfully but oh so loved by her daughter,me who she got pregnant with 7 months after they got married because my dad just couldn't wait any longer, he wanted kids, she said they had to have a house first.

Loved by so many and looking damn good. The next night after I took this picture, all her hair came out. But thats okay she so beautiful anyway..

7o'ish year old parents. Old German ways. Tough hands that have spent their lives working away for the good of their family. Now, mixing meatballs to make some comfort food to bring some relief to their daughter who they watch struggle. Tough, big hands of my grandpa that gently tossle her hair or touch her hands while his eyes fill with pain. Grandma cleans and cooks and grandpa helps in whatever way he can. Every night they kneel down beside her to pray for their daughter and hope for a miracle.

Mom in her chair getting ready to drink one of grandma's "power drinks". She carefully mixes each drink with as much vitamins as possible, telling me about each vitamin she puts in there, her german accent peeking through as she describes each little detail.

Dad, reading his instructions getting ready to prepare her "food bag" and to give her all the correct dosages of insulin, painkillers, etc. He is her little nurse and he loves her so much its painful. Its like having have your soul ripping apart from you, he told me once. I can't even imagine. All I do is take it all in and capture these pictures in my head so they will stay there forever.

Monday morning update

This weekend I went to Havasu on Friday to do some house work on one of my parent's rentals..had to get it ready for Labor Day weekend. Their friends Gary and Melissa majorly helped me out..okay let me emphasize the major part..it would have taken me all day and night to get that house back together. just some knowledge to pass on your way..friends that will scrub toilets for you when you are sick are keepers...seriously..golden keepers. Also, some more advice..on the way from their house the boys and I heard the funniest country song ever..ready..the chorus line went something like this.." Dip me in beer and throw me to the drunk chicks..over the bar into a redneck mosh pit.." with the appropriate southern twang and nasally draw of course..Oh Lord did we laugh about that.
But back to reality now, Saturday we headed over to Vegas to visit the mom in the hospital and she looked GREAT! she got that stupid tube (NG tube) out of her nose and was sitting up and all fresh and pretty. Good thing because she had a lot of visitors to come and see her. Me and my 2 oldest boys, my aunt Jackie and her two kiddos, Paul and Virginia who are old..time wise not age wise..family friends and my uncle Wally and aunt Lisa. She got so much loving she didn't know what to do about it. I made her this big posterboard full of pictures that says WE LOVE YOU MOM GET BETTER! and brought her all the emails and cards that people had sent her. That made her feel very good and very loved. We all took turns visiting her and rotating in the cafeteria downstairs. Then I left and took my grandma (mom's mom who has been in the hospital, her house or the hotel room for 3 weeks) out to play black jack for awhile..okay i basically left her in the casino alone at the black Jack table for an hour and a half while i went to henderson to retrieve the boys. She ended up winning $150. geez some people have all the luck..
Took her back to her hotel and sent the boy with my cousin Heidi's husband Steve who took them back to their hotel filled them with sugar and chips and played roughly with them while Heidi and I sat in the jacuzzi and drank a margarita. It actually was a some what relaxing weekend and much better than the sobbing wreck of a weekend the week before.
Sunday..my mom got to go home!!! my Dad had everything ready to go..car parked in front of hospital and loaded perfectly at 7:15 so when we got there to give her a hug goodbye and so the boys could see her..we nearly got ran over by a wheelchair pushing dad..my mom actually had to tell him to stop pushing so she could hug her sanitized grandchildren and nephew. Once he loaded her in the car and started to takeoff..Paul and Virginia rolled up and blocked him in..Virginia lept out of her car and ran to my parents car and ripped the door off to give my one my last hug..then Paul parked his car..jumped out of his window and flew across the parking lot to get his goodbye in as well..okay I might have over dramatized this a tad but you get the idea.
So now my little momma is home in her big house with her big strong husband to take care of her and a feedbag to keep her nice and strong oh and a little wiry German mother to cook and clean while she heals..I'll be up there again next weekend to bless them all with some Jennifer lovin' ha ha ha..feelin so goofy today. As always keep the momma in your prayers and hearts.
Thanks so much!

prayer request

Hey all,
Please write my mom a little note of encouragment and let her know she is in your thoughts. she knows she needs a miracle and she's asking for help. So please put her on your prayer lists and pray hard my little prayer warriors.. Thanks so much. You can send me emails for her and I'll make sure she gets them..in fact I'll read everyone of them to her.
madrigalmama@yahoo.com

update on Mom

My mom had chemo this morning and tolerated it well. She got a sudden burst of energy and was walking all over the halls and trying to eat straight off the food cart, but she is only allowed broth and jello. Eventually, my dad got her to settle down and chow down on some yummy jello and broth...mmmm..mmm. She's still pretty loopy and out of it but she's trying to stay positive and look ahead but of course, two steps forward, 4 steps back. Later in the day she pulled out her NG tube and was throwing up everything..so here we go again...Can't get her to keep the food down which makes her weak and even less able to handle and fight the cancer. My dad is hanging in there although he says he feels like he is in hell.You go to bed at night and try to fall asleep as fast as you can and then when you wake up you look around and just feel the slow creeping of grief crawl up on you and slap you hard in the face. It literally feels like someone is taking a shotgun to your chest and just blowing away. The pain is horrible and to watch your mother sit there and suffer is just unimaginable and even more so for my dad, this is his soul mate. He feels like a part of himself is being ripped from him. All we can do now is pray and hope for a miracle. So here goes some more prayers up to Heaven...

Wordless Wednesday

On vacation with the family July 2009

showing Nicholas how to work the mashed potatoes..yummmm

In Idaho, July 2008

Mom and Tom on his birthday 2007

Celebrating Grandma jester's 80th with all her freaks and weirdos..

Wordless Wednesday

My big Daddy and Mom kickin' it at my house back in January

Hang in there Mom!! Fight the fight and WIN!!!

Cancer sucks and coming clean!

Cancer sucks! Cancer sucks the life out of you and slaps your spirit around. It makes you hunch over and walk like an old lady and makes your skin hang on your bones. It is the ul;timate diet in that it starves your body, and rapes your soul. It makes you and the ones who love you question their lives, their God and their purpose. It makes you cry, puke, bleed, and sleep. Sleep in not the peaceful way you once did but in little intermittent bouts of pain/nauseua induced sleep. Pure and simple, cancer sucks. It sucks the life out of you and it sucks the life out of all who love you. Ahh..that felt good.
With my mom having cancer I have really started to question life and myself. Am I living the life I wanted to be living and more importantly am I the child God wants me to be? Up until Friday, I wasn't. I was a good person, a good mother, and a good friend,daughter, etc. but I was also a liar and a deciever in that I didn't have enough faith in God to know that telling the truth to myself and all around would be fine, becuase God would be there and he would pave my roads. I thought I wasn't good enough and that I could handle everything on my own..guess what??? WRONG! U need God and u need God to help you along the way by him showing you his will and his perfect plan and then you have to listen. For so long I have been praying but I just recently realized that sometimes you have to shut up and give God a chance to talk. Suddenly..or maybe not that sudden the answer will come clear. I had that moment..I finally realized that I needed to completely let go and let GOD lead my life. No more lies, even if they were just meant to keep the "boat from rocking". I have jumped off my sinking boat and started swimming straight to God and you know what? I feel great, I feel purposeful and I feel ready to live life as the girl I'm suppossed to be. Your words can't hurt me any longer because I am no longer that person who is hiding.The truth will set you free and it really does..TRUST ME!

The road less traveled..

Two roads diverged in the woods...and I took the path less traveled on..Robert Frost.
I feel this particular line from this poem has so much significance to me now. We pray and pray to God to give us courage and strength but it seems He never does..then one day you realize that when you were praying for courage and strength He was giving it to you all along..He was giving you the opportunity to be strong and brave in different situations. Why is it that these things can't just come wrapped up in pretty boxes so we could so easily accept them and apply them to our lives? The answer is because that would be TOO easy and would not help to build character. Sometimes life is more about the journey then about the destination. Lately, I have been on what seems like a 10 year destination to find and fill this inner hole. I've prayed about it, been mad about it, tried to ignore it, tried to fill it with stupid things but have finally realized that in order for me to fill this void I may have to travel down the road less traveled..the bumpy one off the beaten path..because along that path hopefully I can find the answers that i have been seeking from God..

Update on Mom

Well I am currently sitting in the ICU of a hospital in Las Vegas Nevada. Mom had her surgery and came through fine. She did end up having ovarian cancer and having a huge mass removed from inside..Good news is that the doctor thinks she got it all but she will still have to have chemo to knock out any other surviving cells. She will also have to have another surgery in the next year to put some things back together again. Thank God that she has come throught this surgery okay and is doing well. She is talking and moving better and will probablybe able to go home in the next 10 days. However..this whole ordeal has really changed my perspective on life and has made me really see how important it is to tell the people in your life how much you love them and to really live and live for what is really important..I feel like I need to really concentrate on what my life is and has become and really get back to being that person that I used to be. I feel positive for what the future holds for my mom and for all of our family..focus on the positive things..thats all that stand between you and the loony bin..Thanks for all the prayers..

Prayers for my momma!

My mom is having surgery Wednesday to remove a softball sized mass from her ovary. While I know she will be okay..I'm still a little worried. With surgery there is always risk and I know that so again..I'm worried. In order to keep myself sane and not to go crazy I thought I'd write it out..So in celebration of mom..here are 10 things I love about my mom..

1. She loves my kids with all her heart and lets them be little boys..she treats them like children and keeps them in line..

2. She is ALWAYS there when I need her..even when I tell her that "I got it all under control..don't worry" like when I had my tubes tied..and I called her from recovery with a fat lip and in a lot of pain and begged her to come take care of me..

3. When I told her I was pregnant..a month after high school graduation..she didn't yell..didn't get mad..etc..she just hugged me and then helped me tell my Dad..(secretly..she was excited about having a grandchild)

4. she taught me how to clean and cook..which may sound stupid but now a days these are skills that a lot of women don't know.

5. She always made Christmas special and is now helping me carry on those traditions..
6. She's not a crazy pack-rat..which will make things easier when i put her in a home..LOL..just kidding!!!
7. She always says the funniest things and doesn't get too mad when we all tease her..we are all ruthless..
8. She sometimes helps clean my house when I'm not looking and when I do catch her she always makes sure I understand that she is only helping me because she knows that I have a lot on my plate..not because I'm a slob..which I swear I'm not..
9. Coconut creme pie..creamed corn at Christmas..enough said..
10. She always knew I'd finish college..I think..but she cried at my graduation party because she was so proud of me..
So keep the momma in your prayers and I'll let you know when she's feelin' good again..its gonna be hard not to make her laugh until all those stitches heal..

Declaration of Purpose

Saw this on Musings of a Treasure huntress' blog..so thought I'd give it a try..
I am.mother.wife.lover.maid.taxi cab driver..but most importantly I am a child of God, a fierce warrior for my sons, a protector of secrets. I am that magic kiss that takes all their pain away, a gentle embrace for sad little boys. I am the maker of that super yummy dinner and hider of the cookies..I am a lover of nature..sunsets..long walks and peaceful breezes through my hair. I am forgotten often but always loved. I am the family keeper of relationships, pictures, ancestry, love, etc. I am not much to all but much to few..I am determined to see my sons grow up to be good men, good husbands, and leaders in Christ. I am a worrier, sometimes a drama queen, but mostly resilient. I am a dreamer of dreams, of writing day and night in a cabin in the middle of the woods, inspired by the sunsets and the quiet whisperings of nature around me. I am my fathers daughter, my mother's treasure and my grandpa's favorite..I am my own declaration of purpose..my purpose is to be all that God put me here to be and more..my purpose is to slide into heaven after I have served Him well and say.."Whew...what a ride!"..What's your declaration of purpose???

Not me Monday!

This is from another blog..but I don't know how to link it..help JEN!!

I did not put on my headphones and clean windows just to get some peace..nope not me..I did it because they were dirty and needed it..

I did not wash the same load of clothes 3 times because I forgot to take them out of the washer..nope not me..

I did not chop the heck out of the most annoying, obnoxious rosebush tree-monster in exsistence and then dump a little gasoline on its roots...nope not me..must be some rare "rosebush disease"..

I did not ignore my work for school and write an entire essay in an hour all based on made-up stuff..nope not me..I am responsible and always prepared! ha..nope IT WASN"T ME!!!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

Just A FYI: God is always there...
(picture taken from my parents backyard in Lake Havasu on July 3rd

More Havasu

The gang in the pool ..to the right: Nicholas swimming with Debbie

At Nautical Bay..Tristan and Isaiah

4th of July

Debbie, Devon, Isaiah, Tristan, Andrew, me and Nicholas in the ront posing in our homemade tie-dyed shirts

Debbie and I, in the kitchen where we spent lots of time.
to the right: Sarah and Jackie celebrate the fourth as well

For the 4th me and the monkeys went to my mom's house in havasu. Juan had to go home so we forged ahead and still managed to have a good time. We pretty much just laid in the pool and were lazy. However, we did manage to go to nautical bay and let the kids jump on all the inflatables out there..so worth the $10. It was extremely hot but when you are in the water it isn't soo bad afterall. On the acutual fourth we hung out at my parents all day and lazed around drinking and eating entirely WAY TOO MUCH! We made some of the best food, calishetta, jalepeno poppers,cream cheese apple dip, cocont creme pie, etc. We were stuffed and full of food and jungle juice concoctions. Nicholas can now wear floaties and his life jacket and float all over the pool which is another huge milestone for him and a relief for me. All in all it was a very relaxing and fun weekend and it was hard to leave.

more on Zion..

A nice spot to dip in the river because it was very hot!

The whole gang poses for a picture

Told ya Zion was beautiful...

Emerald pools that I believe you are NOT supposed to swim in..they fell in..I swear!

Isaiah, Tristan and Andrew at the Lower Emerald pool. It was very hot and myself and Nicholas, Jackie and Sarah in a stroller, my mom and Dad headed back down as the trail WAS NOT handicap or stroller accessible as it stated on the map. So Juan braved ahead with these 3 punks and saw some good sights..

Back from Vacation..and now back to LIFE!

Isaiah, Andrew and I about 1/3 of the way in..

My grandpa (with hat) my aunt (in the back) and my dad(grey shirt) hiking away

Isaiah, Andrew and my cousin Tristan hiked through and tried to get as wet as humanly possible. They preferred to stay wet all the time!

Juan and Nick hiking on the paved part, which Nick preferred.

Nicholas checking out the campsite..yep it'll do.

We went to Zion National Park in Utah for 5 days and then just the boys and I went on to Havasu for the holiday weekend! What fun we had. I must say camping with boys and one of them being special needs is an experience but as always, Nicholas was a trooper. I try really hard to just push him beyond his comfort zone, obviously without terrifying him. This usually turns out well because once he realizes that its okay he has a blast. Case and point: Going through the Narrows in Zion. At first he wanted nothing to do with putting his feet in the cold water and then once I carried him..grr he is VERY heavy..he started to become interested and then started to like..not love it. He watched everyone and began to try and explore the rocks. It kind of reminds me of my FAVORITE poem, Footprints where the man wonders where God was when he saw only one set of Footprints..God was carrying him. This is me and Nicholas, I am determined to not allow or let him miss anything this world has to offer him so if need be I'll carry him..but let's hope he likes to walk because that little man is getting awfully heavy! So anyway, we hiked and enjoyed Zion and took lots of pictures, which will be below. Go visit Zion and hike the Narrows. I want to go back and hike all the way through because they really were breath-taking!

Nicholas' graduation from Pre-school

Ms. Denise with Nicholas..he knew I was there so he was trying to escape, but he Does love her very much!

With aide Chris and teacher Denise getting his award! Such a little cutie!

Preforming with his class for the end of the year show! I was so proud, I seriously was fighting back tears the WHOLE time. I just wanted to bawl my eyes out because it was so awesome to see him doing new things and doing "normal" things.

update from the campsite

We are currently in Zion National Park, Utah with myself, my husband, the 3 boys, my aunt her son her daughter, my grandparents, my parents..and thats it. Talk about a family vacation. It is sooo beautiful here even if we are all shoved in various campers and smell a little..we're camping right?? Yesterday we went hiking through the Narrows which is a very long hike between two very tAall mountains. I took lots of pictures so I'll post them when I return home. Anyway, my grandpa carried little Sarah in a backpack all down and up the canyon..what a stud. Today we are going to the emerald lakes and possibly tubing doen the river..Fun. keep you posted.

Mommy's little tiger Cub

andrew as a new Tiger cub..entering the world of boy scouts and the picture that made his mother go on a diet...holy crap what have I became???

Colin and Andrew getting ready for Boy scout intiation

To Nurse or not to nurse..that is the question????!!!

Started school online last night..again..Didn't I graduate already? Oh yeah..glutton for punishment because I decided to get my RN and be a nurse instead of an English Teacher..I think. I am very confused on this whole decision and the class I'm taking over the summer is going to have to make my decision for me. Do I go on and get my Masters/credential in Education or do I jump ship and get my RN? So many pros and cons to both that I am having the damnedest (spelling..??oh well don't care) making up my mind. They each will require the same amount of time, although the nursing program will be more intense and to be honest I feel a little stupid going back for all the science stuff. Its so hard when you are a mother because every decision you make effects so many people and you always want to try and make the best one for everyone involved. So we'll see what happens this summer as I am planning to pray about it and hope that God gives me some clarity on the issue..stay tuned..

Wordless Wednesday

Nicholas, last summer when he discovered pudding. He loves pudding and this was one of the first things he learned to feed himself. I guess he just fed himself to exhaustion. Too cute..

A Little inspiration anyone??

sometimes I don't post because I get to caught up in reading everyone elses good stuff that I figure, what can I possibly write. Personally, I think my days are pretty boring. I don't home school (though I do have lots of respect for those who do), my kids aren't suffering any life threatening diseases..they are all healthy..Of course this isn't to say that I never have any issues or any complaints..see a few previous posts about that one..I just try to stay as positive as possible. I Love QUOTES especially ones that make you really think as I am what I like to call a 'word junkie" I love beautiful language and when someone can paint a picture vividly in my head..OH I love that! Helen Keller is one of my favorite historical people because she overcame SO many obstacles to achieve what so many take for granted.. normalcy.. communication.. relationships. She was amazing!
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at that closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. Helen Keller
this makes me think so much about many of the parents that i have come in contact with over the last few years. some of them are so upbeat and hopeful, others are so downtrodden and beat up. Finding out your child is "special" is never easy and each of us go through our own grieving process, but it is a grieving that we will go through time and time again as different milestones pass. This year, my special guy, Nicholas will enter Kindergarten. He is my last baby, my youngest boy and I'm excited but I'd be lying if I said that a part of me wasn't a little jealous that the other two neighborhood kids who are his same age are going off to kindergarten, but a 'normal" kinder class. I'm sad a little, this is yet a another milestone where I will go through another grieving process. This is an example of that door of happiness that closed..however I can see that other door of happiness just right to the left..through this door I see all he HAS accomplished and how much better and stronger of a person I have become because of it. I never thought he'd walk..He did and now he runs and climbs and jumps..I never thought he'd communicate and now he's starting to sign.. He loves me insanely, hugs me, kisses me and is truly my biggest fan. I am such a better mother because of him and my other boys will be greater, more compassionate men because of him too. See..there is always something good to find as long as one never loses HOPE! Stay tuned for Nicholas' big journey to kindergarten...

the Big 3-0! AHHHHHHH

okay..it's here the big 30! Am I ready..no but heck its just a number right?? I still have so much more in life to accomplish and I am kind of excited to see what God has in store for me for the next 30 years. I thought about making a list of all the things I want to accomplish in the next 5 years, 10 years, etc..but then I started thinking..all I want is my 3 boys to grow up to be awesome men who love God and treat others with kindness. I want them to be happy and healthy and humble. Sure I love to learn to ski and surf and do a triathalon and maybe start a school for Deaf autistic Children..but really my mission here is to be a good mommy. So tonight I played baseball in the backyard even though the sun was going down and I could barely see the ball..and I hit my son in the mouth..whoops..then I played the playstation for Nicholas because he loves to watch the game on the screen and just jumps and flaps and laughs..then I forced myself to read some more diary of a Wimpy Kid for Isaiah (which by the way is very funny). Sooo, now all my little dudes are asleep and I am here doing some blogging and feeling better. I really need to blog more but sometimes I just get too involved reading everyone elses that I forget to post on mine..oopsy.okay. so for my birthday I am going to go to work, do laundry and clean the house.oh and cook and clean for everyone..wipe some butts and most likely a whole lotta pee off the seat..I detest PEE on the SEAT! this is me and this is what I do and you know what.. I love it and I wouldn't have it anyway else.. oh and I will be eating pinkberry instead of cake as I am determined to NOT go into my 30's as round and as pudgy as I currently am..he he he

Some new thoughts on the big 30!

Okay so in 3 days I'll be thirty. Not ready..and feeling a little scared and panicked about it. I know I have 3 kids, a husband and a house, and so I should be content to be thirty. but I'm not! I feel like I should be further along in life, more educated, etc. Life is flying by and I just don't wanna miss anything..Stay tuned on more thoughts of turning 30..I need to go to bed!

Not me Monday!

Haven't blogged in a while so..here goes..
I didn't overdraw my checking account by a lot becuase I used the wrong debit card..no not me I'm on top of it.
I didn't let my deaf/autistic son play the playstation for an hour and a half while I laid on the couch..nope not me...
I'm not up at 1 am in the morning because of the stress and guilt of not me #1..nope not me..i'm a supermom..
I'm not wondering what the going rate for blood is???nope not me..
i'm not even considering selling my own eggs to find a good therapist/school for son..nope not me..
While this may sound like I'm going looney..don't worry..not yet..nope not me. LOL

Sarah turns 1

Sarah loved that cake..she even was mad when they took it away..now its for sure that we are related! ha gotta have my cake too.

Before the party Tristan and Jackie were baptized at chruch! yeah

sarah will join in on the fun someday soon!

My little cousins 1st bday!

recap

what a crazy weekend I had! so fun but so glad it over! My sis in law got married and all of us were in the wedding. I'm sure the pics will be hilarious. The flower person never showed up to put the flowers in the church and none of us had our flowers..oh well. the reception was a blast and we danced the night away. Finally got home around 2 am and then got up to go throw a bday party for my sweet little Sarah.. that was also fun but once again glad to be done. This weekend I will be going to Havasu with one of my girlies and our kids and just relaxing and enjoying life Have some serious stuff to blog about but just haven't had the drive to do so..and my scanner is not working. wait in anticipation..haha ha

Wedding weekend

the original Jester mafia..lol

Isaiah and the beautiful bride

nicholas smiles on his own terms..when he wants to

gotta love that face

An attempt at a family pic

My boys