Friday, December 11, 2009

So if a deaf child swear in sign you wash his hands?

This and so many other questions I am wondering about..What am I gonna do when Nicholas gets to the stage where all the cute things he does are no longer cute? Like for example..he likes to squeeze boobies know make some cleavage for the ladies..he also likes to pinch..butts. Cute when he's 5, maybe not so cute when hes 14? I don't want Nicholas to be one of those creepy guys that people avoid and stare at but I'm scared what the future holds for him. We all know he's adorable but when he's 6'2 and manly..will you all still think hes adorable? Oh..and big one am I going to control him when he gets taller and stronger then me? Maybe I should start weightlifting and bulking up now!Seriously..this is causing me major worries becuase I'm already a little bit overwhelmed...Well off to the gym I go..:)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Smile..though your heart is breaking..

smile though your heart is though your soul is though you miss your mommy but your 30 years old and she's gone and not coming back..who freaking wants to smile anymore? Laying in bed, thinking about nothing and everything like know doing everything but sleeping. Constantly trying to keep my mind busy so it can't sneak back into those last images..cold hands..machines beeping..rubbing her hands trying to memorize every detail of them..begging God to let her eyes focus on me once more..praying for her to stay..praying for her to stop suffering..kissing her forehead and telling her to go ahead and go because I would take care of Dad and Tom and the boys and it was okay to go and hearing her heart take its last beat..knowing she was gone..knowing she would never be back..seeing her still and swollen in her coffin..wishing I was blind at that moment..watching her coffin lower..wanting to jump in with her and going numb with agony..trying to remember her smell,voice, touch, anything and coming up empty and pain and yes even some hope. You see while I am not mad at God, while I know she is in heaven and He has prepared a place for her,while I know she's been talking to God about Nicholas, while I know she would never come back (yes folks thats how great heaven is)I am still sad. I am still broken and I still miss my mommy. I know I'm 30, but I still needed her, I wasn't done yet. I'm lost without her. Most of the time I'm okay, I fake it cuz' I'm really good at faking it, but I always miss her. I long for the time when the ache will fade enough so I can breathe again, pray deeply again, smile richly again and laugh abundantly again. When my mom died, part of me died and it dies whenever I see my father's broken heart. He is doing very good, as good as a God-loving man who has lost his soul mate can do. The world changed completely for us and everything we thought would be changed, everything he worked all his life for no longer matters and I kind of feel the same. All we have on this Earth is each other and I thank God that I have the family and especially the Dad I do. He stepped right in and while he fills them a little differently, he filled my moms shoes instantly. So even though my heart is breaking and even though my soul is aching..I just gotta smile..:)(andcry a little too)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Diets suck!

Okay I am in week 3 of my Medi-fast diet and although I have lost about 9 lbs..I'm frustrated. I think I need to work out but I know if I do I'll be starving..Just gotta keep going and keep that skinny body in my mind..Then, my husband decides to bring home some French Silk Pie which by the my FAVORITE! I dream of that pie, I want to stick my face in that pie....mmmmmmmmmm.. Its the little bites here and there that are killing me on this diet. Well, guess what? those little bites add up and one big ole' fat guess I need to regain focus and focus on staying on track. This time has to be different, I have to get this last 30 lbs off for good, as my "baby" is going to be 6 so I can't really blame him anymore..or can I? No..darn to go and drink a big ole glass of water and plan my workout for tonight. Oh why o why can't I just hook up my vaccuum cleaner and suck all the fat out?