Sunday, September 20, 2009

Heaven's new Angel

I know this picture may look weird and the coloring is off because of the dim light in the room, but it's my last picture of my mom. I wanted to have the memory of my brother and I holding her hand. We held her hand and spoke to her all along her journey to heaven. She was surrounded by people she loved and the room was overflowing with love. I know she felt us and I know she heard us. We decided to take her off the machines early this morning because we knew she was gone and non-responsive. She fought a short but extremely hard and painful journey with a rare form of ovarian cancer. Never once did I see her lose her faith or throw herself a pity party. She was scared of course but faithful and hopeful that she would beat it. Its hard to really put into words how I feel right now, I'm so lost and sad, and lost and lost..and sad. I have lost my best friend, my comfort, my leader, my shopping buddy, my scrapbook buddy, my cooking instructor, my confidant, but most of all I have lost my mom. It really doesn't matter how old you are when you lose your mother, yo still feel like a lost girl looking for her mommy. She was only 50 and very healthy, 3 months and she was gone. It still does not feel real. All can do is try to find some positive in this whole thing because that's how she raised me to be..freakin' positive..AHHH.. but I am thankful that I had her for a mother for the last 30 years, I am thankful that she ,married my Dad and together we had a happy, normal..well lets not push it..abnormal but hilarious little family. She was our leader, the one who sat in the corner ,while we cracked jokes, and rolled her eyes at us. She was the one that always told me to "hang in there Jen"..well Mom I'm trying really hard to "hang in there" but my heart is so broken because I miss you soooo much already.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Every picture tells a story

Married almost 31 years. Met at a park when h hit her in the eye with a baseball.Engaged 6 weeks later. 2 kids, 3 grandsons and a very happy normal marriage.

Battling Ovarian cancer..bravely..painfully but oh so loved by her daughter,me who she got pregnant with 7 months after they got married because my dad just couldn't wait any longer, he wanted kids, she said they had to have a house first.
Loved by so many and looking damn good. The next night after I took this picture, all her hair came out. But thats okay she so beautiful anyway..

7o'ish year old parents. Old German ways. Tough hands that have spent their lives working away for the good of their family. Now, mixing meatballs to make some comfort food to bring some relief to their daughter who they watch struggle. Tough, big hands of my grandpa that gently tossle her hair or touch her hands while his eyes fill with pain. Grandma cleans and cooks and grandpa helps in whatever way he can. Every night they kneel down beside her to pray for their daughter and hope for a miracle.

Mom in her chair getting ready to drink one of grandma's "power drinks". She carefully mixes each drink with as much vitamins as possible, telling me about each vitamin she puts in there, her german accent peeking through as she describes each little detail.

Dad, reading his instructions getting ready to prepare her "food bag" and to give her all the correct dosages of insulin, painkillers, etc. He is her little nurse and he loves her so much its painful. Its like having have your soul ripping apart from you, he told me once. I can't even imagine. All I do is take it all in and capture these pictures in my head so they will stay there forever.