Thursday, December 3, 2009

Smile..though your heart is breaking..

smile though your heart is though your soul is though you miss your mommy but your 30 years old and she's gone and not coming back..who freaking wants to smile anymore? Laying in bed, thinking about nothing and everything like know doing everything but sleeping. Constantly trying to keep my mind busy so it can't sneak back into those last images..cold hands..machines beeping..rubbing her hands trying to memorize every detail of them..begging God to let her eyes focus on me once more..praying for her to stay..praying for her to stop suffering..kissing her forehead and telling her to go ahead and go because I would take care of Dad and Tom and the boys and it was okay to go and hearing her heart take its last beat..knowing she was gone..knowing she would never be back..seeing her still and swollen in her coffin..wishing I was blind at that moment..watching her coffin lower..wanting to jump in with her and going numb with agony..trying to remember her smell,voice, touch, anything and coming up empty and pain and yes even some hope. You see while I am not mad at God, while I know she is in heaven and He has prepared a place for her,while I know she's been talking to God about Nicholas, while I know she would never come back (yes folks thats how great heaven is)I am still sad. I am still broken and I still miss my mommy. I know I'm 30, but I still needed her, I wasn't done yet. I'm lost without her. Most of the time I'm okay, I fake it cuz' I'm really good at faking it, but I always miss her. I long for the time when the ache will fade enough so I can breathe again, pray deeply again, smile richly again and laugh abundantly again. When my mom died, part of me died and it dies whenever I see my father's broken heart. He is doing very good, as good as a God-loving man who has lost his soul mate can do. The world changed completely for us and everything we thought would be changed, everything he worked all his life for no longer matters and I kind of feel the same. All we have on this Earth is each other and I thank God that I have the family and especially the Dad I do. He stepped right in and while he fills them a little differently, he filled my moms shoes instantly. So even though my heart is breaking and even though my soul is aching..I just gotta smile..:)(andcry a little too)


Julia said...

That was so moving and evocative -- I can feel at least some of your pain even from 3000 miles away, and I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this. Maybe, as your father finds a new role in the family and grows into it, that growth and self-discovery is the good that can come out of this.

And you don't have to smile. Smiles will come later, and they'll feel all the sweeter if they are real and you've had to wait for them. And there are times even now when plastering on a smile just makes the moment a little easier, and that's okay, too. But you're also allowed to honor and show your feelings of pain, too -- and yes, the people around you can handle it. Moms are allowed to cry. When I was a kid, on those rare occasions when my mother would cry in front of me, I'd be a little scared at first, but I'd end up learning a lot about her and about life. Life can be good and hard at the same time.

I apologize for preaching. Only you know what you're going through and what is helpful. But I do wish I could say something helpful.

carma said...

so sad to read this...tears in my eyes...