anxiety dream??

Okay.. it is currently 2:47am and here I am at the computer. why? well I had the weirdest dream that filled me with so much anxiety that I couldn't sleep any more. I live in a world of glass blocks that I seem to have put up all around me to keep things going smoothly. whenever I fear that one of those blocks is gonna crack...anxiety. So many things to worry about..so many things to try and keep straight..so much pressure! Why do I do this all to myself? I have been focusing on breaking down some of these "glass blocks" but every once in a while that fear sneaks back up. I guess all the ways i try and escape it don't work..darn. I guess sometimes one just needs to buck up and face things head on! Man..sometimes i wish there was an easy solution to lifes problems! Wait..there is..don't make things so complicated and have faith in God that he will help you rise above. I tell this o myself because I currently feel like I am drowning. oh well..just keep swimming..swimming..swimming...

Wordless Wednesday!

I took this picture of my aunt and my cousin Sarah ( my little girlie via my aunt) on Easter! I love this picture because Sarah looks so stinkin' cute..almost like she knows she's cute and wants you all to know. I also love it because I think my aunt looks very much at peace and in love..with her little girl.

(Oh and I know it's technically tuesday night but I am determined not to go online Wednesday because I have lots to complete and I have been neglecting some stuff..whoops)

I know I'm crazy but..

I know I'm crazy but..
I don't care..
I know I will have lived life to the fullest when I go..
I know my boys will be proud of me..
I know know I choose the right more often then the wrong..
I know I'm crazy but..
I choose to be crazy in a world that's going crazy too and..
At least my crazy has GOD right in the middle!
(that's a good place to be)

Mama guilt

Okay..so we all get it at one time or another..mama guilt. You know that deep burning in the pit of your stomach when something happens to your child and even though you know its not your fault..you still feel guilty. That first face plant into the table, first spill off the porch, etc. When Andrew was sick in the NICU I struggled for months thinking it was somehow my fault, I even convinced myself that it was because I had drank Coke during my pregnancy? I know stupid..even after I found out about all of Nicholas' problems I felt that somehow someway it was my fault that he was deaf, etc. Truth is I still think that he could be better if I was better? As mothers do we ever stop feeling guilty? If we stay home we feel like we are being smothered by children and perhaps are a disapointment to our children because we are neglecting our "brains", if we work then wefeel like we are bad mothers! its a neverending cycle, but I think that if we just focus on really loving our children and making sure they know that then perhaps that will help ease the guilt..

Ahhh..take a breath.

Okay so this weekend was insane! I'm still healing..First, friday night we had 8 boys come spend the night. Food, fun, freeze dancing, pizza, soda, cupcakes, smores...whoooo! It was fun. Then saturday I cleaned up all day and ten went to a baptism party for Juan's cousin's little boy..Joshua. He was sooo cute, big ole' fat cheeks. then came home..continued cleaning and then started cooking for my sis-in-laws bridal shower that guess who was throwing?? me!
We had a great time and although everyone was late (mexican thing?) she recieved some nice gifts, advice, and we all had a nice time. So now the weekend is over..I'm 10 loads of laundry behind and ready to start another hectic week! I know I'm blessed to be this busy.
oh and on the diet front..still trudging along..my willpower stinks and I know I really need to work on that. Today I was good and I only have 3 weeks until the wedding....better buy a good set of SPANX and a really good spray tan! Well off to do laundry and get boys ready for track.
Yee-haw

Weekend in Review!

Nicholas was surrounded by all the boys. they were all signing jump and dance to him.

roasting marshmellows for smores..yummm

The birthday scavenger hunt. 8 boys for an all night sleepover . Isaiah got his Itouch so he was very excited. they all played and had a great time. Can't beleive I have a 10year old son! I'm officially freakin' old.

decisions, decisions...

So I went to San Diego today to see another program for Nicholas that is for deaf and autistic/or special needs. Impressed...teacher was deaf but very social, sweet and a very animated signer! She had an awesome aide who was great with the 4 kids..yes 4 kids..sweet! Nicholas would probably do great there..but here's the problem it's in San diego 100miles away. School goes from 9-3:30pm which would mean I would either have to move there during the week and come home on the weekends or drive there every morning..oh and what about my other 2 sons who are in an awesome school, love the sports and activities they are in, etc. WHAT do I DO??? sacrifice the two for the one or the one for the two?? It shouldn't be this way..Nicholas should be able to attend a school near home where he can belong and be educated in a way that is condusive to him. If I had unlimited funds I would start my own school..does anyone know Bill Gates???no. me neither. Well..its off to bed and a busy weekend of birthday parties, baptism parties and a bridal shower..fun times. Keep us in your prayers

Wordless Wednesday

a picture of the River (at Moabi Park near havasu) early in morning..so peaceful

Some Easter pics..

Nicholas LOVES bubbles!!! just in case there was ever any doubt..

Nicholas looking for eggs at my MIL's house. He was mad when he realized this egg did not have any candy in it!

the Family in front of the house..trying to keep the monkeys still..

andrew, Isaiah, my mom and Tristan eating the yummy brunch I made...

The neighborhood Easter Egg hunt...and they're on the way!!!

Wordless Wednesday

Super Star..track man. thats Isaiah in the teal/navy suit coming into first place at the mile race. Yeah..he can totally outran me

Some new pics

Nicholas signing more to his brother..he wanted more tickles!

Nicholas looking super cool in his new rectangular specs. Isaiah says he looks like a hippy..

Andrew, Nicholas and Isaiah getting ready for school this morning. Goofy kids..I don't know where they get it from????

Making lemonade out of lemons...

These last few days have been difficult for me. It actually started last week in ASL2 class with the whole cochlear vs. ASL debate because it reopens a wound and makes me think about something I thought I already dealt with. Then to make matters worse...Nicholas throws his cochlear out the window and it gets destroyed. Now, here I am back in that same dark place wondering if I made the right decision and faced with kind of making it again. To hear or not to hear..this is always the question. So after having a few days of feeling sorry for myself its time to pull myself up and re-evaluate this situation. First, alarm goes off this morning and since my radio is set to KWAVE I hear Chuck Smith talking about being an instrument for Christ. Slap..right across the face. Here is yet another obstacle that God is using to test me. They say that God must test your faith in times of weakness because that's when it is usually failing. We pray for strength and courage and then get made when they don't come. Then all of a sudden we realize that these things aren't merely given...instead He gives us opportunities to be brave and to be strong. These past almost 10 years as a mother I have gained a type of inner peace and strength that I can only marvel at. My faith is strong, although not perfect, and the peace that radiates from inside has helped me through some of life's toughest battles. I can only hope that the struggles I have been put through have had purpose and that they have helped others too. Its hard to try to be positive in a world that focus' on so much negative but one must always try to see the "silver lining"..to make lemonade out of the lemons..etc. So hey at least it wasn't Nicholas that went missing..just his glasses and cochlear..those I can deal with. Nicholas not being around would be a sad sad day. Well that's all I got for this lovely Thursday morning. I'm off to make breakfast for the boys, get them off to school and then smell some flowers and make a big ol' picture of lemonade with the newest carton of lemons I've been given.