Things that bring me Joy Tuesday

1. Clean laundry that is put away.
2. A clean house, especially when I am not the one that cleaned it.
3. Freshly painted toenails.
4. Clean. good smelling children..vs. dirty, stinky little boys.
5. A baby laughing
6. Nicholas signing mom!
7. christmas..and everything about it..
8. Me in my suit (with a better body) sitting in achair in the Lake with a margarita in one hand and a huge bowl of tortilla chips with lots of lemon and a big ole bowl of guacamole.
9. Reading
10. Writing in solitude when something inspires me...
What brings you Joy on this boring Tuesday?

Deep thoughts and silent prayers

Well it has been 2 months since my mom has died. Things have gotten a little easier but she still crosses my mind every day. My Dad and I are luckily VERY close so we talk everyday and have little counseling sessions with each other. Through these little sessions we have gone through every emotion..sad..sadder..heartbroken..angry..etc.Finally, I think we are starting to move to a little bit of a better place. We have both realized the following:
1. God is always good. God always "has your back". God always knows what he's doing, even if you don't understand.
2. So..if #1 is true..then God had a reason for taking my mother so young..there is a deeper meaning and she is with God. Safe in the arms of Jesus people..what a place to be!
3. Thus, heaven exsists, she was good with God and all of us, and we know without shadow of a doubt that she is there with HIM...so..life is but a short glimpse of time and soon we will all be together again for eternity. Her passing brought my Dad closer to GOD then he has ever been..he will go to heaven for sure now and maybe the loss of a mother in order to bring her husband and countless others closer to Christ is worth all this pain? Yes..for sure YES! We only had 50 short years with her but we will see her again and spend eternity together!
All of this has been swirling around in my head for so long and I feel a sense of peace in relaizing the fact that life is short. Life is but a moment..soo short so fragile and we take it to lightly. We should give life all we have and God all we have. He uses what we do here as a way of seperating out the good from the bad so that He can fill heaven with all those that truly seek him. Its amazing how the acceptance of this can change ones life. happiness, personal, individual happiness is overrated. People..it is NOT all about YOU! Your actions effect many and sometimes one has to sacrifice a tad to keep those you love on the right path. Live life as if God is watching you and as if it may all end tomarrow. Don't wait to do the things you know you should..I feel very strongly on this which is why I went off on this crazy tangent. it would literally kill me if my mothers death is in vain. She was worth so much more than that and i pray that losing her will continue to keep myself and others in a constant "life check'.

Not me Monday!

I need to learn how to link this to MCKmama..her's are soo funny!

So here goes....
1.I did not..no not me..drink way too much at my friend's birthday party and proceeed to puke on myself, the car and a friends driveway..nope not me..

2.I did not forget to read the part where it said.."While you are on this diet you should NOT DRINK ALCOHOL as you will metabolize it much quicker"..nope not me I always read the whole book and pay close attention..

3.I did not go and see NEW MOON twice already..nope not me..I am not overly addicted to some teeny bopper books..

4. I am not in love with a fictional character..see #3..nope not me..I just love the love story.

5. I do all my laundry ever week and never...ever let it pile up to an insane amount..nope not me I'm perfect..ha ha..sorry couldn't help myself.

6. I did not take a sip of wine tonight..see #2..and the proceed to spen the next hour in the bathroom..nope I learn from my mistakes!

Ahh that was so much fun! So glad to be back in the blog world. I'm challenging myself to update my blog everyday for a month!

I'm still here

I'm still here..promise..haven't jumped off a building or anything so don't worry. I have just been having a hard time getting back into the swing of anything that requires me to get out of zombie mood..you know like thinking of what to blog about..or having a conversation..or really thinking..I have been avoiding..living in the wonderful place I like to call DENIAL. It is a happy little place and when I am ready to come back to the living I will be changing this blog because to be honest..the address of this blog is too freakin' long and hard to remember so I'm going to change it all up..and I need a change and since I can't go drive across the country with some good music and a good pair of jeans..this will have to do. See you soon.
Jennifer

Heaven's new Angel

I know this picture may look weird and the coloring is off because of the dim light in the room, but it's my last picture of my mom. I wanted to have the memory of my brother and I holding her hand. We held her hand and spoke to her all along her journey to heaven. She was surrounded by people she loved and the room was overflowing with love. I know she felt us and I know she heard us. We decided to take her off the machines early this morning because we knew she was gone and non-responsive. She fought a short but extremely hard and painful journey with a rare form of ovarian cancer. Never once did I see her lose her faith or throw herself a pity party. She was scared of course but faithful and hopeful that she would beat it. Its hard to really put into words how I feel right now, I'm so lost and sad, and lost and lost..and sad. I have lost my best friend, my comfort, my leader, my shopping buddy, my scrapbook buddy, my cooking instructor, my confidant, but most of all I have lost my mom. It really doesn't matter how old you are when you lose your mother, yo still feel like a lost girl looking for her mommy. She was only 50 and very healthy, 3 months and she was gone. It still does not feel real. All can do is try to find some positive in this whole thing because that's how she raised me to be..freakin' positive..AHHH.. but I am thankful that I had her for a mother for the last 30 years, I am thankful that she ,married my Dad and together we had a happy, normal..well lets not push it..abnormal but hilarious little family. She was our leader, the one who sat in the corner ,while we cracked jokes, and rolled her eyes at us. She was the one that always told me to "hang in there Jen"..well Mom I'm trying really hard to "hang in there" but my heart is so broken because I miss you soooo much already.

Every picture tells a story

Married almost 31 years. Met at a park when h hit her in the eye with a baseball.Engaged 6 weeks later. 2 kids, 3 grandsons and a very happy normal marriage.

Battling Ovarian cancer..bravely..painfully but oh so loved by her daughter,me who she got pregnant with 7 months after they got married because my dad just couldn't wait any longer, he wanted kids, she said they had to have a house first.

Loved by so many and looking damn good. The next night after I took this picture, all her hair came out. But thats okay she so beautiful anyway..

7o'ish year old parents. Old German ways. Tough hands that have spent their lives working away for the good of their family. Now, mixing meatballs to make some comfort food to bring some relief to their daughter who they watch struggle. Tough, big hands of my grandpa that gently tossle her hair or touch her hands while his eyes fill with pain. Grandma cleans and cooks and grandpa helps in whatever way he can. Every night they kneel down beside her to pray for their daughter and hope for a miracle.

Mom in her chair getting ready to drink one of grandma's "power drinks". She carefully mixes each drink with as much vitamins as possible, telling me about each vitamin she puts in there, her german accent peeking through as she describes each little detail.

Dad, reading his instructions getting ready to prepare her "food bag" and to give her all the correct dosages of insulin, painkillers, etc. He is her little nurse and he loves her so much its painful. Its like having have your soul ripping apart from you, he told me once. I can't even imagine. All I do is take it all in and capture these pictures in my head so they will stay there forever.